Boy, oh boy! Everybody is hopping mad at Anheuser- Busch, Jack Daniels, and Hershey’s these days.
Seems these companies have adopted a “woke” agenda and folks just ain’t havin’ it!
The St. Louis-based brewer came out with a “rainbow” can designed to acknowledge LGBTQ+ beer drinkers with the image of a transgender activist on the label. To demonstrate his ire, once-relevant musician Kid Rock put several cases of Bud Light on a tree stump and opened up on them with an automatic rifle. (He missed most of them, but at least one of the cases erupted in a cloud of foamy destruction.) Country music performer Travis Tritt has stated that Bud Light will no longer have anything to do with his tour. This will come as a surprise to folks when they learn that Travis Tritt is still touring.
Jack Daniels has partnered with drag queens for a campaign called “Small Town, Big Pride.” OK, this actually happened two years ago, but folks are mad about it NOW! People are opening their liquor cabinets and pouring bottle after bottle of bourbon down their toilets, sinks, and other draining devices.
Hershey’s, the chocolate company that offended Tucker Carlson by making their female M&M’s somehow less sexy, has pasted the image of a transgender activist on a chocolate bar – one that kids might eat and somehow turn themselves gay – or something.
Righteously angry and indignant folks around the nation are raiding their cabinets, cupboards, and yes, perhaps even their closets (see what I did there?), rooting out these offending products. Having already purchased these candy bars, this beer, this bourbon, thus surrendering their hard-earned money to these companies, angered Americans are pouring out, melting, and otherwise discarding products they’re already paid for.
I understand the anger! I still hold a grudge against Anheuser-Busch, owners of the St. Louis Cardinals, for having beaten the Milwaukee Brewers in the 1982 World Series. To this day, I will not drink a Busch product unless someone else is buying, then I will drink it with a grimace on my face.
Still, I have to imagine that in these days of high inflation, there has to be a bit of discomfort incurred by the righteous, angry consumer, being forced to witness the destruction of these formerly enjoyed products.
Let not your heart be troubled, gentle reader. I have a solution.
Send your woke stuff to me! I’ll get rid of it for you!
Get together with your friends and neighbors. Load up your trucks with these unholy beverages and satanic candy bars. Contact me by e-mail and I’ll send you my coordinates.
Then, sit back and relax, secure in your righteousness, knowing that your old pal Bill is disposing of all that beer, the bourbon, the sweet, sweet candy bars you paid for before realizing you should be outraged about it. I promise to be angry, indignant, and righteously infuriated as I choke down each shot of liquor, each can of beer, thus washing down the sinful candy which I will cram by the fistful into my yap – all of which will ultimately suffer an ignoble end in the septic tank.
THAT will show these woke companies! You betcha!
And if at some point a car maker goes woke, I will extend this offer so you can send me your new or used (2017 or later, please) woke vehicles so I can properly dispose of them for you.
Seems like the least I can do.
Send me all your 'woke' stuff!
You’re liable to get diabetes or cirrhosis.